tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
