he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Randomize
