I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
