I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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