You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
