proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
