So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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