allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
