I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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