make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
