What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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