i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Quick, to the slutcave!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
