I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
