Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I cannot find my penis.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
