I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
