you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
