I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
