Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
