Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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