Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
