Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
