I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize