i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
