mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
