she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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