the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
