My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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