You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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