I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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