So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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