Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
