pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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