woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize