My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
