I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
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