All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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