I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
