theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
