Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize