found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
