I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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