im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
