Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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