Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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