Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
