Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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