and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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