I just gift wrapped bread.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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