Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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