He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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