I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I looked at my own cervix.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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