I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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