Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
