I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
