bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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