quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
